Category Archives: The 4th Wall

The 4th Wall — A Blog that brings you the fake breaking news of a so-called “fake” sport. The stories aren’t real, but the hilarity is.

BREAKING: The Undertaker Missing From Monday Night RAW Go Home Show

Breaking News coming in to the W.F.O. Underground:

Philadelphia — Sources backstage at Monday Night Raw tonight say that the Undertaker teases are all misdirection.  Amidst speculation that Mark Calaway, better known as The Undertaker, is not in Philadelphia tonight for Raw, due to concerns over his injury state after last week’s Raw, chokeslamming Braun Strowman.

Our source has told us that Vince McMahon had concerns about his ability to move like he should be able to.  In order to give the best performance that he can, and as “a precautionary move in order to give the fans the performance that they deserve, and the subscribers of the WWE Network their full $9.99 worth”  McMahon made the executive decision to send Calaway to Orlando, ahead of schedule, in order to give the fans what they want, his entrance is underway as we speak.

=:x:[Editor’s Note]:x:=
For those whom aren’t entirely sure, yes, this is a 4th Wall Article.  Please check out our blog descriptions to figure out what that means.  The W.F.O. Underground are not responsible for those people whom have no sense of humor, and do not understand that the stories we post are satirical in nature and put up for entertainment purposes under the heading of “The 4th Wall”.  If you have any issues with us, please direct your hatred to the actual, factual e-mail address: GoFuckYourself@WFOUnderground.com

TNA Management Upset With Fans; Take A Page From WWE

TNA Management Upset With Fans; Take A Page From WWE

 

Many people forget that TNA Impact record their episodes weeks (and sometimes months) in advance. So any time someone claims TNA are “stealing from WWE” I always shrug it off. However, a writer for TNA (who spoke on condition of anonymity. I can say it ISN’T Gaburick… ) spoke with us earlier today and stated that they are in fact stealing a page from WWE.

Speaking with the anonymous source, they had the following to say: “We don’t normally keep a close watch on things within World Wrestling Entertainment. However, this epic divas revolution caught our attention, and we decided we needed to formulate and make our Knockouts Division as great as those Bella twins. We have been upset with our fans as they continually cheer our Knockouts; as opposed to chanting really awesome things during their matches, or doing the wave, etc.”

It is no secret that TNA’s Knockout’s division sucks. I mean, they have REAL WRESTLERS that can WRESTLE in the Knockouts division, and we all know that means that it must be horrible, right?

“We tune into Raw every week just to see the Divas and the fantastic promos they cut. They are all like miniature pipe bomb’s and we are just blown away. The crowd are always into the matches, and you can tell. Every time a Bella is involved, you can hear the crowd emphatically chanting ‘this is bullshit’ and we agree. How dare WWE creative make those brilliant women lose a match! And who is this Sasha Banks chick? Is that a DIVA? Charlotte Flair? They can’t hold a candle to those Bella twins, and so it was with that in mind that we decided to revamp our Knockouts Division.”

We asked when we could expect to see those changes in TNA, and we were told that on the September 2nd edition of TNA Impact we could expect to see a barn burner promo between Velvet and Taryn. I gotta say, I watched that promo, and TNA most definitely took a page right out of the Bella Handbook. Hell, it was so good, my body immediately reminded me that it was time for a piss break.

Keep it up, TNA. You are truly on your way to making your Knockouts Division mirror what is happening on the WWE main roster.

****In related news, TNA writers fed us a secret regarding Jeff Jarrett. It turns out they are going to pull an nWo style takeover on Impact wrestling, and they are confident that Jarrett, a bigger star than Hogan, will turn heads all across 24 states as people with limited access to Destination America tune in for this epic takeover.****

New Jack Reportedly Carjacked Outside New York Club

New Jack Reportedly Carjacked Outside New York Club

 

It takes a bad bad man to mess with New Jack. Actually, it apparently takes two bad bad men to mess with the former ECW talent. New Jack isn’t a joke, although he hasn’t been “new” in about twenty years. Jack, or rather, jacked up, however, he has always been.

New Jack was reportedly at a nightclub in New York State earlier this evening when he got into a scuffle with the bouncer. The bouncer, described by witnesses, was roughly 6’6, 290 pounds of all muscle. The scuffle happened when New Jack got into an argument with a much smaller man, and the bouncer had to intervene to stop a fight from breaking out.

Shortly afterwards, the bouncer checked out and left for the evening, as did the other gentleman that was involved in the scuffle. Witnesses say as New Jack exited the club roughly an hour later and headed towards his car, two assailants attacked him. They took his keys and wallet, leaving the former ECW talent lying in the parking lot, rather pissed off.

Police stated that at this time they have no suspects, but they did say that in speaking to witnesses that one witness gave a potential clue. The witness reportedly stated: “Those dudes were big and they came out of nowhere. I didn’t get a look at their faces, but as they were driving off in New Jack’s car I heard one of them shout ‘Money, Money, Yeah Yeah!’ …..”

Not sure how great of a clue that may be for police, but I do know that Shad Gaspard was a former bouncer, and well, JTG is all about that Money Money, Yeah Yeah…. could it be? Are Cryme Tyme back again?

Cryme TymeUPDATE:

In an ironic twist, police have now identified a culprit. Former WWE jobber talent Virgil has been arrested for questioning after he bragged on Twitter that he paid “some high crime guys” to “do a million dollar carjacking.” Authorities are currently looking for Ted DiBiase for questioning as well. Virgil, upon his arrest, was quoted as saying “I deserve the damn money! I started a Go Fund Me and you owe me, dammit! Money! Money! Yeah! Yeah!”

Below lies the tweet in question:

Virgil Tweet

John Cena: “I granted 500 wishes. Now it’s time to destroy 500 wishes.”

John Cena: “I granted 500 wishes. Now it’s time to destroy 500 wishes.”

 

Don’t ask us what the fuck is going on, but apparently Cena has had enough of the WWE Universe and their not understanding how wrestling is supposed to work.  You wanted a heel? You’ve got one. Be careful what you wish for, people.

John Cena Tweet

WWE Announce They Will No Longer Do Make A Wish Appearances

WWE Announce They Will No Longer Do Make A Wish Appearances

 

For over a decade now WWE have been a staple in the world of helping children. However, all of that changed earlier today during what we are being told was a request that angered Vince McMahon. It’s been no secret that Make A Wish and WWE are without a doubt the biggest company / charity partnership that WWE have had over the years.

In fact, John Cena was just awarded with his 500th wish: more than any other celebrity has ever granted. That’s saying a lot when it comes to making a child’s dream come true. The fact that most of the children are terminally ill just helps cement the legacy of how nice a guy like Cena is. And say what you will: John Cena has been best for business for over a decade now. So what happened earlier today to change all of this?

Well, it was announced earlier today that SRG Films have found the actor to play the role of Chris Benoit in their upcoming film “Crossface.” The actor, Liev Schreiber, apparently looks a lot like Benoit after donning his mouthpiece with missing teeth, and hair wig, etc.

World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Vince McMahon always makes it a point to meet with the children to hear their wish first hand. In the rare event that he is too busy to do so, Paul Levesque (Triple H) meets with children. Apparently, Vince met with a young man that was very excited to hear about the Crossface movie and his only request? “I want to meet Chris Benoit.”

It was a request that took Mr. McMahon by surprise, and angered him at the same time.  “Look kid, you can’t meet Chris Benoit” is what Vince reportedly told this child.  “Why? You just don’t want him to kill John Cena in the ring” came the response from a young man that doesn’t fully understand that Liev Schreiber is in fact not Chris Benoit.

Apparently the words “kill John Cena” set Mr. McMahon into a frenzy and he told Make A Wish that they would no longer be granting wishes.

We will have more on this story as we find out information on our kayfabe message boards. In the meantime, we have heard rumblings that a group of nine year olds at Make A Wish had to be restrained to their beds after chants of “ECW! ECW!” broke out and bed pans started being slung around at one another.

WWE Erase Goldberg Loss To Kevin Nash During WCW Era

WWE Erase Goldberg Loss To Kevin Nash During WCW Era

 

We all have something in life that we wish could be erased, eradicated, or whatever other term you’d like to use to say “never happened.” For Goldberg and WCW (World Championship Wrestling) their big wish would have been to never have Goldberg lose his undefeated streak to Kevin Nash on a fateful night at Starcade.

However, WCW made matters worse the following night when they had the infamous slap to the face incident in which Kevin Nash received the finger poke of doom and fell down, giving Hogan the WCW Heavyweight Championship.

WWE, on the other hand, are quite capable of wiping away and victories and that is just what they are doing. Remember when Chris Benoit did something horrible and they erased him from history? In fact, in a triple threat match at WrestleMania in which he beat two other guys, the WWE Network wouldn’t show the match when it first came out, instead insisting no one won the match.

Take Hogan, and what happened, and now you know why WWE are erasing Goldberg’s loss to Nash. The way they see it, if Nash doesn’t beat Goldberg, Hogan never gets the title, and since it is all too cool to completely erase a severely balding has-been like Hogan from the record books, this comes as no surprise.

What does come as a surprise, however, is what is set to happen now that the streak is intact again. As Goldberg announced earlier today, he is set to face Brock Lesnar in a Beast VS Streak match at WrestleMania 32 (because, as we all know, the first encounter between these two was damn great, right?)

As we’ve been told, we look for it to go down like this:

Goldberg will return somewhere around the Royal Rumble, and he will win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, and carry it to WrestleMania 32. That night, Goldberg will once again fall victim as the Beast Brock Lesnar will defeat him. The next night on Raw, it is our understanding that Lesnar will drop the title to none other than Sting in a “Finger Poke of Doom Recreation.”

Sting will then disappear with the title after a hard night’s work and won’t be seen for a couple of years until he and Undertaker show up at WrestleMania 34. There, they are set to have a “LOSER GETS BURIED IN A CASKET, WINNER RETIRES LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE 20 YEARS AGO” match.

WWE Lawsuit: “The Beast Is MY Name”

WWE Lawsuit: “The Beast Is MY Name”

 

I have been wondering for years when this issue would come up, and now that question has been answered. As we all know, Brock Lesnar is very often referred to as the “Beast” along with other names, such as the “Conqueror” and “Destroyer.” It came as no surprise to me when reports surfaced stating that a former well known star was suing WWE for the use of the name “The Beast” under copyright infringement.

For those of you that are only familiar with Daniel Severn in WWE (and you are a sad lot if you don’t know his UFC career,) Dan “The Beast” Severn is a world renowned fighter.  Dan Severn boasts a very impressive resume, with 127 total fights in his career, with 101 total wins. He does have losses, however, 7 of those are by Draw, and 7 by Decision, with 9 by knockout and 3 by submission.  The man is no slouch and there is a reason why he is called the “Beast.”

If you’d noticed recently, there has been an influx of hollywood talent within WWE. For instance, Arnold Schwarzenegger is being featured in WWE 2K16, and sources confirmed for WFO that the reason being is because he threatened to sue WWE over the use of Paul Heyman calling Brock Lesnar the Destroyer, which was a term given to Arnold in his role of Conan the Destroyer. Instead of going to court, WWE opted to put him in a video game.

Dan Severn, however, isn’t Arnold, and wanted the usage of the name “Beast” completely stopped. WWE, however, opted to go a different route. They now refer to Brock Lesnar as the “Beast Incarnate.” This way there isn’t copyright infringement and they can continue pushing their agenda. This sounds like a stellar idea, or at least, it did, until another source popped up and claimed that the title of “Beast Incarnate” was already taken. His name? Lucifer.

Lucifer

So what will WWE do now? Will they go to court and battle Lucifer for rights to a name that were apparently given to him in a book written some 2000+ years ago? Will Jesus Christ be the defense attorney for WWE? Only time will tell. It does seem to be a bit odd, however, that Lucifer is only coming forward now. We asked him for an interview and he gave us about 30 seconds. The only question we could ask him was “Why now?” His response: “I watched the Paul Heyman DVD the other day and realized he’s a Jew. He must be stopped. Hitler failed once, but I will not falter.”

We were definitely taken aback. Racist on Lucifer’s part? Absolutely. But will he win his lawsuit against WWE? We have no “earthly” idea, but for now, saying “Beast Incarnate” seems like a very bad idea……..

Guinness World Records To Honor Undertaker’s Legendary Streak

Guinness World Records To Honor Undertaker’s Legendary Streak

Undertaker 4th Wall

It was announced earlier this evening that Guinness World Records would honor the Undertaker’s Legendary Streak. In case you have been living under a rock for the past thirty plus years, the Undertaker has a legendary streak on the grandest stage of them all: WrestleMania.

He has bested his opponents a total of 22 times, losing only one match in his career to the “beast incarnate” Brock Lesnar. What’s most impressive about the streak, however, is the fact that his only loss came at last years WrestleMania. That’s right folks, Undertaker was 21-0 before someone beat him. This makes his feat even more impressive as some still question whether or not Taker lost the match, or if Lesnar just capitalized on an aging old man.

We took time out of our day here at Wrestling Fanatics Only to call the Guinness Corporation and speak with them regarding the streak. However, it became clear a few minutes into the call that we were talking about two completely different things.

The One Man Riot Act, Michael Benningfield, spoke with an editor of the Jim Pattison group in regards to the streak. Below are some of the highlights.

When asked about the streak, the response we were given was as follows: “It is very impressive, even in the world of sports entertainment. We have seen many streaks in many different professions, from sport bike racing to stuntmen, and all of these categories have their own unique strengths. The fact that Undertaker is 50 years old is what makes this streak impressive. Not many people can do what this man is doing at 50 years of age, and certainly no other man at this age has ever accomplished such a feat within the confines of the WWE walls.”

Given this statement, I was a bit confused and so I decided to try and get clarification. I asked what being 50 years old had to do with a streak that has spanned 22 years, to which the editor immediately replied “What the hell are you talking about?” I replied with “The Undertaker’s Legendary Streak at WrestleMania! He is 22 and 1. Surely that is the streak we are talking about, right?”

I was quickly corrected as Guinness clarified for me: “We don’t know anything about a WrestleMania streak. We are talking about the fact that a senior citizen has already been involved in at least 3 physical altercations in a single year within WWE. This is a new record, and definitely one of taking note. Come SummerSlam, this record will be beat when the aging Undertaker faces off against Brock Lesnar, making it 4 appearances in the WWE in a single year that will result in physical contact. We have seen Ric Flair involved in 2 physical altercations, and at one time Roddy Piper and Jake Roberts both appeared in a single year and were physically involved in a match. The Undertaker, however, is setting a new bar for senior citizens and we are quite proud to bestow upon him this distinct honor.”

I was a bit perplexed about this and so I decided I would push further, by asking if Undertaker’s OTHER streak would ever be realized in the world of Guinness Records. The response I received was this: “We would love to put Undertaker’s other streak in the record books. However, we have no way of confirming whether or not he really does make eye contact at least three times a day with the crack whore that he married. Until we can get a camera crew that can stand seeing her face repeatedly, we won’t be able to establish the truthfulness of his being able to stare at Michelle McCool.”

Well then……. This didn’t go as planned……

Big Show Cast As Guest On Game Of Thrones: Leaves Taping Session (Warning: Season 6 Spoiler Inside)

Big Show Cast As Guest On Game Of Thrones: Leaves Taping Session (Warning: Season 6 Spoiler Inside)

 

As we’ve seen lately, lots of WWE Superstars are taking part in walk-on roles with television shows. From 2011 to 2013, WWE Superstars were a feature on shows such as Psych, Burn Notice, and the like. However, WWE’s Big Show was set to be featured on next season’s hit show Game of Thrones.

Recording for the upcoming season started this past Monday, and Big Show was set to play a giant ‘White Walker,’ questing out for the North Grove and trying to cripple the likes of Jon Snow.  That’s right, for those of you that don’t know it yet: Jon Snow is not dead.

Big Show was scheduled to be on set early Thursday morning, and record his two day sequence, giving him enough time to make it to Monday Night Raw this coming week. However, sources are reporting that Big Show walked off set, apparently distraught over something in the writing.

It took Wrestling Fanatics Only a couple of hours to get anywhere with the men behind the scenes, but we have found out some information. It turns out that Big Show was cast as a “heel” on GOT (naturally, as that’s what White Walkers are) but his script called for him to somehow understand Jon Snow and befriend him, as opposed to killing him. However, near the end of the episode, Big Show was set to deliver a white walker giant knockout punch, effectively killing Jon Snow for good.

This didn’t set well with Big Show, as members of the cast reported that he fell to his knees and started crying “This isn’t fair. I have to do what I have to do for my family. I need the money! Why Vince, Why!?” No one on set knows who this mysterious “Vince” character is, but we are guessing that Big Show is having flashbacks to his career as of late, as WWE CEO & Owner, Vince McMahon, has made Big Show turn over from heel to face more times than a Vegas Prostitute turns tricks in a night.

It looks like no matter what happens, Big Show gets screwed by creative writing. At least Hollywood know he can definitely cry on cue………

Flight With WWE Superstars Forced To Make Emergency Landing In Colorado

Flight With WWE Superstars Forced To Make Emergency Landing In Colorado

 

It isn’t very often that flights have to detour and make an emergency landing, and when they do so, it can be quite scary. This was the case for WWE Superstar Sheamus and his flying buddy, Big Show, this Wednesday on a United Airlines Flight.

Sheamus Fart

If you are wondering what the oxygen masks overhead are for, well, we can tell you. Typically, if a plane descends faster than it should, it can cause pressure buildup in the cabins, making it hard to breathe. However, on this particular flight, that’s not what caused the issue.

It all started after the Smackdown recordings were finished on Tuesday night. Sheamus and Big Show were both hungry, but they needed to make it to the airport quickly so as not to miss their flight. The solution? Drive Thru Chinese Food.

One of the benefits of having a driver is that you can sit back and relax, eat, drink, etc while they get you to your destination, and on this night that’s exactly what Sheamus and Big Show did. They sat back and ate. Sheamus, he had a little bit of rice and some egg rolls, but Big Show? Well, according to Sheamus:

“We pulled up at the drive thru and I ordered some fried rice with a couple of egg rolls. Show, however, he ordered a large Beef with Broccoli, Sesame Chicken, Mongolian Beef, and some Hot & Sour Soup. I tried to tell him that he couldn’t eat all of that before getting on a flight but he wouldn’t listen. He scarved it all down before we made it to the airport, and everything seemed fine.”

But, as it turns out, everything was not fine. Once they boarded their flight and got in the air, Big Show started showing signs of an upset stomach. Cabins in first class have slightly bigger toiletries, and so Big Show, whom apparently never learned anything from Andre The Giant, decided to go relieve himself.

“This is when it got nasty, mate. I was sitting me ‘arse in the seat when I heard a loud moan, followed by a ‘Oh God, No’ and what sounded like a low rumbling engine blowing a gasket. ”  That low rumbling engine sound was Big Show letting one rip. The smell was so bad within the washroom that Show had no choice but to open the bathroom door, and when he did, he damn near caused a plane wreck.

“The flight attendants started telling everyone please stay in their seats,” said one woman that was interviewed. “You could see them holding their breath, but there was nothing anyone could do.” That is, until the flight attendant made the mistake of opening the cockpit doors. Upon doing this, the smell, so rotten, infumed the cockpit and the plane pitched forward, taking a nose dive at the ground. This is when the masks fell out and everyone placed one over their heads so they could breathe.

The worst part? Big Show hadn’t flushed the toilet as of yet, and so feces were now all over the bathroom. “It was devastating, I tell you,” says Sheamus. “I will never fly with Big Show again, not if he eats before getting on a plane.”  The plane had to make an emergency landing at Colorado International. Not to worry, however, as almost everyone were fine, as evidenced by Sheamus’ latest tweet:

Sheatmus Fart 2

The one thing we can say for sure is that Big Show should have taken the advice from the guy in the movie Surf Ninjas: “Whatever you do… don’t eat the chicken.”

(this story used real events “emergency plane landing” for a kayfabe effect.)